Hello Blogger.

Date: 7/7/07 [suppose to be a lucky dayyy]
Time: 4:49pm
Mood: Hot, and Tired.
Drugs: Few Bowls
Watching: Chronicals Of Narnia
Sounds: Fan blowing.
Temp: Too hot to handle.

Im tired of waisting hours of my day on Open Diary when its obvisous my computer wont have it;
So hello blogger. :]


Ive got much to say; but words arent on sale; at least not today. I find myself day dreaming about the past now more then ever. Thinking the "what if's" of my time. One of the major ones is Jefree Dawson. Its been almost two years since Ive seen him. Can you believe that? What an idiot of him to go out and get locked up. Boys will be boys? Hm. Funny how when a girl makes a mistake they dont say "Oh well girls will be girls." Last night was fun I guess. Spent all my money on budd. Dad hasent even seen me sober in a great amount of time. Speaking of dad; This morning I woke up and went and smoked with Caitie,Jon,Nikki, and Justin...[of course I smoked with justin alone], but when I came home, I was in my usual "Im high, and tired, and hungry" mood, and dad decided to start throwing shit around the living room grumbling cuss words under his breath, and me being high and just not wanting to deal with his shit, just walked away...Me,walking away? I usually jump at the sound of a fight, ready to go, ready to say shit im later on going to regret. Hm, maybe im growing up a bit? Doubt it. Agh, The heat, I swear, Winter will be welcomed by me. Apparently dad's broke this week, no food, water, smokes. This should be fun.

While Capturing moments when Ive got smoke suffercating my brain cells, I often think about the boy who changed my life, my ways of thinking. I wrote this on my last trip.



Title:Subtract Himself From me. Friday, July 06, 2007



We can live like jack and sally? Visions of us togther, but everything had to change, everything went from bad to worse. When did this start? How did this start. Me, acting like a sexual slave for you, doing every personal detail you could ever want and need. Now that I look back; turn my head around and notice all this pain and bullshit ive gone through, letting you go dosent seem like such a shitty thing anymore. The son of the man who speaks for god, and the daughter of the woman who kills, who would ever thing it would be her, the daughter who would get fucked up. Who would get hurt? Your own flesh and blood raped me, and you, thinking it's not a big deal, sex is just sex. not love. fucking. thats what it is. Im not my mother, and I dont intend on being her.

Can you tell the heats gotten to me?


I like looking at my fix writtings, its almost as though rage comes outa me the most when im on something, which is a good thing that I tend to stay away from family members on a nights trip. I need to do something worth wild, get outa here. I want to go on a long road trip, and not even knowing where it is im going till I get there, but hell I suppose it would be Ash Fork Az where I would end up. Or just something enough like getting a tattoo, getting into a fight, or having a new piercing. Drugs are starting to loose the effect on me, sober is becomming my new high. I suppose that was ment to happen sooner or later, but I wish it wouldve happen later rather then sooner.
Read any good books lately? Actually no; which dosent sound like me at all. I usually always have my nose in a book, but lately, the heat has made it almost unbareable to even get up in the morning, let alone actually acomplish something.Dads passed out on the living room floor, and I can tell by just the way he's breathing that he isnt comfortable in this heat either, perhaps next weekend when we actually have some money comming in, he'll break down and buy an air conditioner. Perhaps not. Im not gonna hold my breath, because with him, it's always next week.

-sarahlina